Repo-ductive organs

Thursday morning is my hysterectomy.  Should be laproscopic and robotic assisted with no more than one night in the hospital.

No more babies, but no more periods either.  Hot flashes, but no excess hormones making my cancer grow.  I'm ready, let's do it.  When I was almost done with graduate school, we decided it was time to start trying for a baby.  I got off the pill and a month later was diagnosed with breast cancer.  After chemo, countless surgeries, and radiation, we still had to wait 5 years (so I could take the tamoxifen) before we could try....not knowing if chemo had damaged my eggs.  I got off the tamoxifen to try for a baby on September 11, 2013.  Our miracle baby was born on September 11, 2014.  He's spoiled rotten and will always be.

Surgeries generally don't make me nervous anymore, but this one does a little bit.  The last time I was in the hospital was the first and only time I've been put in ICU.  A few days after Brink was born I woke up panicking and unable to breathe.  I got put in ICU while they ran tests and things and Cody got told he had to take Brink home without me.  My parents stayed in the hospital with me and Cody's went home to help him with Brink.  Eventually they figured out that I had too much fluid on my heart, congestive heart failure, cardiomyopathy.  Possibly from the chemo I'd had plus the stress of pregnancy and eventual c-section.  Feeling like I couldn't breathe was one of the scariest things ever.  My heart is in much better shape now, but that's the thing that scares me.  I'll be sent home Thursday or Friday, what if I wake up having trouble breathing again?  I was so lucky to already be in the hospital when that happened before.

Also, when I was in grad school after going through chemo and everything, my boss got diagnosed with uterine cancer.  She went in and had a hysterectomy and was at home recovering.  The day before she was due back at the doc for checkup, she had pain, but figured she'd just wait til she saw the doc the next morning.  She died of sepsis I think it was.  This was actually how I ended up in the job I'm in now.  I know rationally that there's no reason to think something bad will happen but that doesn't mean I'm not a little anxious.

So send my good thoughts, prayers, unicorn farts, crossed fingers, or whatever you feel will help.  And I love you all, just in case you didn't know.  <3 p="">

Decades. Team Jenn. Let's do this.

Between the support everyone is showing and my doctor's optimism, I'm feeling pretty good today.  About 22% of people live 5 years or more after stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis.  I'm trying to figure out the longest life after stage 4 b.c.  I see 15 years and 17 years and oh I just found a 23 year!  So today at the doc's office I was asking him about the other new medicine and how it differs from the Ibrance (basically they're practically identical) and we talked about the median survival rate of 24 months.  I also mentioned that I've had days of anxiety and stuff over this kind of thing.  He said I really shouldn't worry about 24 months, he has patients that only took the tamoxifen (that I'm on now) and live 5 years...and that my disease progression is so minimal (currently stable, not growing!!) plus we are going to treat it aggressively, etc.  I said maybe I'll be a record setter and he said why not you?  So.....new goal....Celebrate my 61st birthday 25 years from now.  #decades

Pink effing kisses

When I was in the reconstruction phase of breast cancer stuff (after chemo, radiation, mastectomy), I was in a good friend's wedding.  At the rehearsal, I walked with a groomsman who I noticed had a pink bracelet on his wrist.  He showed it to me, it said simply Fuck Cancer.  He told me they had them specially made for his girlfriend, who just had her first chemo for breast cancer.  That girl's name is Candice.  She and I talked the whole time at the rehearsal dinner.  I told her all about what to expect and how to have fun anyway.  When you first get diagnosed, there's a lot of anger towards the disease and other things.  The anger keeps you going.  Then you get remission and there's both peace and anxiety.  Then, for Candice, it came back.  But this chick was TOUGH.  She was Air Force.  Major Candice actually.  I can't stop the tears thinking about her too short life.  It came back in her brain at one point.  She rocked the bald look like no one ever could.  That boyfriend that I was in the wedding with?  They got married.  A surrogate gifted them with 2 beautiful boys.  Candice got to celebrate their first birthday and then some.  She blogged by writing letters to cancer.  And while the anger was probably still there, I feel like it became different after the recurrence.  She would sign her letters Pink Kisses.  I feel like that was a combination of Cancer can kiss my ass plus a quiet acceptance of "it is what it is."  I feel like you have to move from anger to grace in order to deal with stage 4.  I feel like Pink Kisses is the right thing to do.  I can't write anymore about her right now but will share some pictures and stories of her.

http://6abc.com/384223/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD70PG9OgpY

http://kissestocancer.blogspot.com/

https://www.facebook.com/candice.adams.18

You rang?

Ringing the bell.  It's what you do when you finish chemo, at least it's what we do at the West Clinic.  It was a big deal with my first time through breast cancer.  After weeks of chemo, vomiting, intense bone pain, hair loss, nerve issues, and many other things, you finally finish and you get to go outside and ring that bell.  My chemo buddy actually turned around from ringing it and saw her boyfriend on his knee holding a ring, proposing to her (while all of us inside banged on the windows in celebration).

Today I went to the clinic for my shot and an older lady got to ring the bell.  At first, it hit me hard that I'll never get to ring the bell again.  See when you're stage 4, your treatment doesn't end.  There's no...when I finish chemo....it's just....you treat the cancer with whatever works for as long as it does and then you try something else.  To bring it to the fight analogy, I'm always in the ring fighting, there's no finishing the fight or beating it.  Dancing with NED is the best we can do.  So while I am happy for that woman who got to ring the bell, it also made me a little sad.

For some reason, something I read recently popped into my head.  A Buddhist teacher addressed those who were disappointed and frightened by Trump's winning the presidency.  He reminded us that we are all connected, we are all one.  I am Trump.  That greedy part of me, that selfish part, the part that is scared of others, the part that wants to throw a temper tantrum when I don't get my way, the part that wants so bad to lead and make a mark on the world that I don't care how it gets done....that's also me.  Even if you don't believe all beings are spiritually connected, you should still see the connection existing between all living things in that we are all alive at this moment on a rock hurtling through space.  Our energy connects us by virtue of our circumstance.  I am a Syrian child.  I am a dictator.  I am a butterfly floating on the breeze.  I am selfish and greedy but I am also beautiful and compassionate.  The reason it is important to cultivate compassion is because the more I am compassion the more you are too, because as I am you, so too you are me.

And do you know what else that means?  I am the woman who rang the bell.

Fight like a girl

There are a lot of fighting/boxing analogies when it comes to battling cancer; some I've thought about for years. Things like get back up when life knocks you down, or fight like a girl (with the cute pink boxing gloves), or sometimes I need to let my tag team partner help me. In fact, I've thought for years about writing a song that involves fighting cancer in a boxing match. I used to wonder if there was Make-a-wish for grownups, what would I choose....and I decided it would be to meet Eminem to have him write this song that I have an idea for. Now, I like Eminem a lot, but if I was just wishing to meet people he'd be more like number 6 on the list. But I really feel like this song idea I have is best suited for his style (and let's face it, my life requires a lot of unsuitable language some days).

 [Going to take a brief detour here to explain who NED is, since he will pop in and out of my song briefly. NED stands for No Evidence of Disease. We don't really say cancer is in remission anymore, especially when we are stage 4, because it's probably still in us, just too small to see. So when we have mets (metastatic disease), we look forward to "dancing with NED," meaning when our scans are clear and we see No Evidence of Disease. We will always live with stage 4 cancer, as it's not curable, but the longer we get to dance with NED, the better.]

 Okay so my song is in several parts, and Eminem is basically doing the PPV play-by-play of a boxing match. The opponents are very unfairly mismatched, but this is life, and life is unfair. One of the opponents is either a big monster or a big burly dude, and he represents cancer. He fights dirty, no mercy, and his ultimate goal is to kill his opponent. Round 1, he beats up on this girl with her pink gloves and pink hair. He literally rips the hair off her scalp, punches her in the gut so that she throws up a lot.....all of this fight represents chemo. Maybe he lights part of her on fire (representing radiation) and stabs her chest (mastectomy). (Sorry for the violence but now you see why I need Eminem for this and no one else will really do!) He knocks her out and the round is over, he won the first round.

 Round 2! She has been given special gloves and comes out fighting as hard as she can and somehow manages to knock the monster/dude out! Her trainer, NED, comes out of nowhere and she does a victory dance with him! Dancing with NED, it's great!

 Now time for round 3. She tries to take a magic pill to make her stronger but it just makes her weak and sleepy. The whole place is cheering for her and supporting her, they really want her to win, but the monster comes out and not only knocks her out (maybe getting her liver or breaking her spine or knocking the air out of her lungs....representing common mets areas), but kills her. NED disappears into thin air.  Monster/dude has won the fight, 2 out of 3 rounds.

 The monster/dude is now celebrating. He was victorious! He killed his opponent, he showed no mercy, and now he gets to go find someone else to pick on. He is walking around thinking he is big and bad. But all of a sudden, a haunting melody plays in the wind (I'm thinking Amy Lee for this part), and the wind and the grass and the sun shining down on him and the ground beneath him and the air....it's all filled with this hauntingly beautiful voice and he realizes it's the girl he just killed! She's now ALL AROUND HIM, in everything he sees and everywhere he goes, he cannot escape her. The music gets more and more intense until finally the monster/dude collapses with the knowledge that he was, in fact, defeated.

 Maybe I could turn this into a story instead of a song, I dunno. Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading. I'll get back to fighting now. :*